2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
