omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize