it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
