It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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