I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
