so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just gift wrapped bread.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
