The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
