Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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