How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize