I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
