i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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