just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
