I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
