woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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