I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize