I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
