omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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