2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
