you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
