Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize