Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
