do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
