You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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