i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
