walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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