my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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