three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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