I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
