I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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