This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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