i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
