So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
