the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
