I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
