Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
