When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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