I think my fart just growled at me.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
