she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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