Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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