you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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