I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
