dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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