your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
