we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
