letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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