I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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