o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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