Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
