Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
