Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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