You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
