I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
