i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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