My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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