Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
