I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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