The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
